Married Exiles

Thank you for reading this sermon from Christ Fellowship. I hope and pray that this sermon will be a blessing of grace and truth to you. With that said, let me encourage you not to use this sermon as a replacement for your local church. Christ Jesus did not establish his Church simply for us to consume content. Instead, He calls us to be part of a real, covenant family.

We are in the middle of 1 Peter, a letter written to Christians instructing them how they should live as exiles. In other words, how should they conduct themselves in a world where they don’t belong – where most people are not Christians and the culture does not honor God. 

Caleb did a great job these past two weeks talking about how we should conduct ourselves when we engage with the world, specifically with the various authorities over us. We are called to suffer with grace. 

And to be honest, what 1 Peter teaches is a radical way of life, but it’s also based on a radical promise of God. Because we are a chosen and holy and loved by God, He wants us to act like it. 

And that theme continues today as Peter applies it to marriage. I’m going to go ahead and tell you up front – Peter says a few things in our text today that are extremely countercultural. I’m going to do my best to explain them clearly and apply them with integrity. But 21st century Western culture will be offended by these words. 

1 Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct.  

Everyone in the room is focused on the words “be subject”, for good reason, and we will get to that in a minute. But focus on the word “likewise” for just a moment. 

That word connects this command to end of chapter 2 where Peter was talking about Jesus. Just as Jesus willingly suffered for us, that we might be healed… likewise… wives be subject to your own husbands. 

That’s a really important connection. It means that this command has Gospel implications. Keep that in mind as we continue. 

Also back in chapter 2, Peter told servants to “be subject” to their masters. That’s the exact same Greek word Peter uses here in verse 1 for wives.  

And there’s really no way to sugarcoat it. The Greek word is a military term. It means to voluntarily submit yourself to someone else’s authority. 

But notice what it says and what it doesn’t say. It says wives, voluntarily submit yourself to your own husband’s authority. It does not say women, submit to men. That’s not something the Bible teaches as a general principle. 

On the contrary, men and women are equally valuable to God and to God’s world. The Bible never portrays women as inferior to men. Instead, the Bible teaches that God created us with some differences and that those differences were meant to complement each other. 

We know this command is not meant to devalue women, because the same exact word – “be subject” – is used for all Christians, men and women, in other places. In fact, it’s even used to describe the relationship between Jesus and the Father. Jesus voluntarily subjected Himself to the Father’s will. 

And that’s actually where this verse is anchored. Wives should voluntarily submit to their own husband’s authority, just as Jesus willingly went to the cross.  

In other words, Peter knows that what he’s asking wives to do is the most difficult thing he could ask them to do. Peter is calling wives to something that feels deeply costly, but it’s one of the primary ways they can be like Christ to their husbands. 

3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.  

It was unusual at that time for a woman to have a different religion than her husband. But many women in the church were believing in Jesus while their husbands were not.  

This would have been a difficult thing, because women were culturally expected to worship the same gods as their husband. And married women were rarely seen out in public without their husbands.  

So how were Christian women to become active members in the church without their husband? And how were they to honor their husbands when the men did not love Jesus? Peter is giving these women some very practical instruction. 

He is not categorically forbidding women from braiding their hair or wearing jewelry. If that were the case, then he would also be telling them to never wear clothing.  

Instead, the point was to address how they should appear in public when they are away from their husbands. It was a way for the women to say, “I don’t worship my husband’s gods” but also to say, “I’m not available”, because being seen in public alone and highly adorned was to say that you are available.  

I do think there is a sense in which Peter is also calling women to not be preoccupied with external beauty, just as Paul does in his letters. But the context is concerned primarily with what her husband thinks about her religion. 

if you were an unbelieving husband, you might be a little concerned about your wife leaving you to go out in public and worship another God. But if she does it modestly and humbly and respects you in the process, Peter is saying that you may win him over! 

Then he uses an example. 

5 For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening. 

Peter’s example is Sarah, which is interesting because Abraham was not a model husband. I’d say that based on the evidence we have in Genesis, Abraham was a pretty bad husband.  

And yet, Sarah obeyed and respected her husband, even when he failed significantly. 

So, if the fear is that this command will leave you submitting to a husband who may disappoint you or fail you, then I have some bad news. We live in a sinful world – saying you have a failure for a spouse is the same thing as saying you have a spouse. 

What then is God calling wives to do? He’s calling you to live out the Gospel with your husbands, showing them a kind of honor and respect that they don’t deserve.  

That’s called grace. It’s what Jesus did for you. And if you choose to submit to your husband, it is not so that you can later manipulate him to do what you want.  

It is an act of worship before God. It might lead to your husband’s conversion, but it’s not really about him. It’s about glorifying God. It’s about fearing God more than men, according to Peter at the end of this verse. 

And I know this is not automatic or easy. It’s a scary thing for a woman to put her trust in a sinful man. Like I said, it is clearly the hardest thing God can ask a wife to do. Without the Gospel impacting your heart it is impossible. 

Now, let’s turn our attention to the husbands. 

7 Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. 

It may seem unfair that Peter devotes 6 verses to wives and only 1 verse to husbands. But the command here is no less difficult, and there’s a lot to unpack here in this one verse. 

Notice first the same Gospel connecting word as before – likewise. Just as Christ gave himself for His people, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way. 

But what does that mean? I’ve wrestled with this phrase for many years, and I think I’m just now starting to scratch the surface of its meaning. 

As men, we like to joke amongst ourselves about how difficult it is to understand women. And it is very true that we have significant differences in how we communicate and how we see the world. But that’s not an excuse. 

We understand by listening. And so, what Peter does here is he sets up a counterweight to the wife’s responsibility to submit. Wives submit, but husbands need to listen. They need to value their wives by living with them in an understanding way – by listening and engaging and taking their perspective to heart. 

Husbands, God is commanding us to pursue a deep and abiding knowledge of our wives. What is it my wife values? What does my wife need from me? What does loving her well mean from her perspective?  

Peter also tells us to respect or honor our wives. He’s telling us to communicate to them how precious they are to us. It’s the same word used to describe how precious Jesus is to the Father. Peter uses the word in chapter 2 to refer to the value we assign to kings and emperors. 

Does your wife believe she is valuable to you? Do you communicate her value by your words and actions? According to verse 4, she is precious to God. Is she precious to you? 

Married men, you are a one-woman man. You don’t get to flirt. You don’t get to be emotionally close with other women. You don’t get to look at things on the Internet or on social media that you shouldn’t be looking at. That stuff devalues the wife God has provided you. Stay away from it. Honor your wife. 

And then Peter says we should honor our wife as the weaker vessel. 

I want to clarify this phrase, because I know we have a lot of strong, independent women in this room. This is not a statement of inferiority. Instead, this is a general observation about the physical disparity that exists between men and women biologically. 

That disparity has been abused by men for thousands of years, and for that reason I’m glad the Bible has something to say about it.  

Physically strong people have a sinful tendency to take advantage of physically weaker people, either through intimidation or through actual force. Peter tells husbands to be conscious of this disparity. As I said earlier, it’s a scary thing for a woman to put her trust in a sinful man. 

Rather than take advantage of our wives, we should honor them and treat them as equal heirs in the Gospel. Being the head of the household doesn’t mean we get to act like a bully. Abuse, of any kind, is wrong. It’s evil. 

And so, I want to be very clear… This call to submission is never a call to obey sin, endure abuse, or silence yourself in the face of evil. You are not being told to stay in physically unsafe situations, to endure criminal behavior, or to cover up abuse. Tell someone you can trust. 

The Bible more than other religious book upholds the idea that men and women were created equally in God’s image and equally deserving of respect and honor.  

And there’s a lot at stake here. Peter plainly says at the end of verse 7 that failure to treat your wives with honor means God will not honor your prayers. In other words, your effectiveness as a believer is severely crippled if you are a failure at home. 

And the chances are, if you’ve been married for long, you’ve failed in some miserable ways, even if you don’t realize it.  

You’re going to be tempted to hear this sermon and go home thinking about all the ways your spouse has failed to do their part. Resist that temptation and look at your own heart. 

If you realize you’ve failed, that doesn’t mean you’re finished. It means you must repent, seek your spouse’s forgiveness, and take concrete steps to change. God is eager to restore when we humble ourselves. 

Every time I officiate a wedding, I end my sermon the same way. And I’m convinced that any two Christians can stay married if they will commit themselves to this principle. 

Jesus is better than we give Him credit for, because we are harder to love than we think we are. The same thing is true of your spouse. 

Your spouse is better than you give them credit for, because you are harder to live with than you think you are.  

I’m convinced that posture of humility is necessary to preserve a marriage in a culture like ours. Let’s pray to God and ask for His help.